BECAUSE I USED TO SMELL UP A JOCKSTRAP

Wonders never cease.

On the Midnight EST BASEBALL TONIGHT on ESPN, Rob Dibble was asked his opinion on the Carl Everett/Cell Phone issue. First, he tries to defend Everett by saying he tossed it "kind of underhand". As if it really matters how he threw it. Then he mentions that Everett tossed something at a fan and that a fan retaliated.

...

Jackass, this isn't the Legend of Zelda. Items don't just show up when you get to a certain level. The cell phone didn't just appear glowing in rightfield and Everett threw it.

A fan threw the phone, it hit Everett, Everett picked it up, threw it and it clanked an A's employee.

Are you retarded or just a dumb jock?

It's A + B = C.

It's not C "because of some other stuff".

You would think that ESPN would prep someone before they went on the air.

Especially when you have Rob Dibble on your staff. A man of many, many talents. The greatest, being the only employed expert with all of 89 saves and 477 career innings in MLB. A lesser talent of Dibble's is being able to grow hair on that troglodyte eight-head is largely missed. By the way Rob, glad you joined the Hair Club for Men.

It looks real.

Dibble continued to explain that "it's never right to throw things at a player".

This, from the man who was suspended for 4 games in 1991 for hitting Meg Porter, a 27-year-old teacher, in the second deck with a ball after 'saving' a game. Of course Dibble served a 3 game suspension earlier in the month for throwing behind the powerful and intimidating Eric Yielding (all sub six feet and 165 lbs. of him).

Dibble threw at everybody in his five-year tenure in MLB. He threw at his own kid at a father-son game.

Or maybe Bob Uecker told us that.

Anyway.

Taking a cue from Rob Dibble on how to act, well, it's like taking acting lessons from Sylvester Stallone.

Rambo, was a favorite movie of Dibble's, so it's a multi-layered reference.

ESPN has its facts all screwed up. We're not sure if they had to use a hot dog and an inner tube to educate Dibble and they confused themselves in the process.

Either way, this is a non-story that was made a story by ESPN.

Had Everett not taunted fans after his homerun and taunting the fans going into the field in the 6th, this wouldn't have even made the highlights.

The fan, and let's make this clear; we have no idea who the fan was, if he was a fan of the A's, of the Rangers, of baseball or just another idiot with not enough sense to keep from throwing a cell phone onto a baseball field…this fan was immediately nabbed by security and led away.

BECAUSE HE WAS POINTED OUT BY OTHER FANS IN THAT SECTION.
By the time Everett went into the dugout at the end of the 5th Everett was met by two umpires and Buck Showalter who listened to Everett's side of the story and they then explained to Everett that the fan was already in custody.

UPDATE

Neil Everett (coincidence, we're positive) just reported on ESPN's 1:00 am SportsCenter that two innings earlier Everett threw a watch into the stands.

What the hell are you talking about?

Neil Everett is annoying. He looks like he is at least a foot shorter than any of his co-anchors based on his chair height. He pigeons his shoulders in and the copy he reads on the air sounds like it was copied from the mash note of a jilted lovelorn high school sophomore.

We were going to comment on some of the new crop of SportsCenter anchors, anyway, but haven’t really had time. We have a few minutes and the opportunity raised it’s head. So, there yah go.

ESPN is just trying to drive the current story of player safety into the ground. It doesn’t hurt that Texas plays Oakland tomorrow night on ESPN’s Sunday Night baseball.

Jeepers, you don’t think the non-story now-story has anything to do with that coincidence, do you?

We were going to get really JFK/Daly Plaza on you about a second cell phone thrower from the Jagged Edge, but we don’t feel like it.

But, as far as conspiracies go, is there any easier or weirder way to create a story than to irk Carl Everett?

That’s just too easy.

Who needs fiction when there’s MLB?

The iritating thing is that we were there, we saw how everything went down and a few hundred other people are calling the sports talk radio stations and flooding the online messge boards.

It's weird how, in a situation like this, only a few people are interviewed who know nothing about what happened and didn't see it.

Buck Showalter wasn't involved, though he plays a part becasue he has to sound like he is protecting the interests of his player's well being. But Buck's words are going to find a lot air time.

Rafael Palmeiro didn't see anything and the only thing he was in danger of is misplaying another batted or fielded ball at first base (he's been a butcher in the field the last two days). But, Raffy gets a soundbite in and it's going to be replayed over and over.

If Carl Everett wasn't the universe's best walking soundbite waiting to happen before, he is now.

``Luckily I was wearing a hat,'' Everett said. ``If it wasn't for the hat, I'd be cut back there. That fan should be ashamed of himself.''

Yes, a herculean throw that, if a fitted wool cap could sustain such a mighty blow.

Take a look at the cut on the head of the other guy, Carl.

And professional athletes wonder why the average fan harkens to question their merit and efforts when athletes can be so dillusional and so out of touch with normalcy so often.

Ponder such this slice of life and, yet, we all go without pie.

Or something like that.

The other twists in this game?

There were four hit batters.

Ramon Hernandez was hit twice!

Alex Rodriguez was clipped in the shin by Chad Bradford in the eigth. Alex Rodriguez was 0-3 at that point with three swinging K's against Mulder. One more for the beloved Golden Sombrerro.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow.