BANTER'S NOT THE SAME IF YOU SAY IT SLOWER, SQUIFFY

SQUADRON LEADER: Something up with my banter, chaps?


(A siren goes off. The door bursts open and an out-of-breath pilot rushes in wearing flying gear.)


PILOT: Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir! Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered!


(General incomprehension. They all look at each other.)


WINGCO: Do you understand that?


SQUADRON LEADER: No, didn't get a word of it.


WINGCO: Sorry old man, we don't understand your banter.


PILOT: You know...bally ten-penny ones dropping in the custard...(searching for words) un...Charlie Choppers chucking a handful...

RAF Banter, Monty Python's Flying Circus: Episode 42

As we begin to enter our 162 game benign sense of reality and cover all faults with the finely stitched blanket of denial, it's time to take a peak at what is going to affect the 2006 baseball season, that remotely will have something to do with the A's.

Essentially it comes down to baseball's furtherance of neglect on the performance enhancement and drug abuse in the sport.

Before you roll out your internal logic, this has to be stressed, again, as most do not understand the context of the discussion.

• Major League Baseball's JOINT DRUG TESTING AND PREVENTION POLICY has only been around for one season. Anything that happened before 2005 doesn't make a bit of difference. Minor League Baseball has had a testing policy in place since 2002, but MLB and the Major League Baseball Players Association does not collectively bargain with the minor league system.


If you want to get all high and mighty and suggest that steroids are against the law, get in line with the Heaven's Gate folks for your trip on the tail of the comet.


• Most substances used for performance enhancement are legal. Many serve important uses in the healthcare field. Obtaining substances used for performance enhancement via doctor shopping or smuggling them into the country might be illegal. Possessing substances used for performance enhancement might be illegal. But swallowing, injecting or rubbing substances used for performance enhancement on your person, for the most part is not illegal.


And only since last season was it even against the rules of baseball. Barry Bonds wasn't cheating unless he tested positive for something on the banned substance list. And even if he took a banned substance, some of the banned substances do not have effective tests to validate that claim.

Sounds odd coming from an A's fan, but people need to get off Barry Bonds' back for the 'BALCO' issue and all of the superfluous 'steroid' squabbling. People need to return to getting on Bonds' back for simply being an asshole. Which may or may not require any listed banned or illegal substance.


• Drinking alcohol on the job is illegal, right? Go to any clubhouse in baseball and there is more beer there than in most convenience stores. It's not uncommon for players to grab a beer during the game. Keith Hernandez almost missed Ray Knight scoring the winning run in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, because after he fly out in the bottom of the 10th he went back to the clubhouse, grabbed a beer and put his feet up.



• Scott Hatteberg was over the limit of allowed caffeine when he hit the game winning homerun to secure the A's 20th consecutive win in 2002.



• What about tobacco? Synonymous with baseball is chaw and with Jim Leyland back in the bigs as a manager, smoking cigarettes will be shown on nationally broadcast games. Disgusting? Ron Washington is an avid cigarette smoker.


Tobacco and baseball. But Kaiser Selig wants to rid the sport of 'steroids'. How about trying to do something you are capable of and then trot out your dog and pony show?

Rob Neyer has it down at ESPN.com.

WE CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH

Rob Neyer
31 March 2006

Just gimme some truth, man. Shoot, at this point we'd even settle for some truthiness.


On Thursday, when announcing MLB's official inquiry into the use of performance-enhancing drugs by Barry Bonds and (presumably) others, commissioner Allan H. (Bud) Selig said, "Nothing is more important to me than the integrity of the game of baseball."


Well, that's just not true. If the most important thing to the commissioner was the game's integrity, he wouldn't sanction crazy-quilt interleague scheduling, or disseminate disinformation about the public benefits of $500 million ballparks, or broker shady transactions that transfer franchises from one crony to another. Or secretly borrow money from a franchise owner.


So no, integrity is not the most important thing to Commissioner Selig. But I do believe the integrity of the game of baseball is somewhat important to the commish, particularly as it relates to a famous record currently held by one of the commish's favorite players. And while I believe that this current effort is targeted toward public relations more than anything else, I also believe there's something to be said for almost any progress toward discovering the truth. When the commissioner told The New York Times, a decade ago, that he desperately wanted to know the truth about steroids, he wasn't telling the truth. But that doesn't mean his efforts at finding some truths now aren't worthwhile.


This week, in response to my is-Jeff-Bagwell-a-Hall-of-Famer column, I received a number of e-letters like this one:



Rob,
I know he is a nice player and a good role model. But why does this guy get a pass on the steroids discussion? He is following the same timeline as Sosa, Bonds, Pudge, etc. by blowing up physically, putting up huge numbers, and then "shrinking" away from the game (figuratively or literally) when the 'roids conversations takes front and center. He, along with Luis Gonzalez and Pudge Rodriguez and all the other questionable performers, need to be thrown in the bucket of potential cheaters and have their names thoroughly cleared before we have HOF conversations. I am not about to give anyone the benefit of the doubt during this era. If you were small, got bigger, had huge numbers in the '90s, then ended your career much smaller or injury prone, you are guilty until proven innocent.


The only one who gets a pass is, surprisingly, Bonds. He was likely a Hall of Famer before he started using.


Sorry for this. I am just sick of the nice guys getting a pass. Bagwell's situation seems obvious to me.


Thanks,
Jason



Ten years ago, I wrote a fawning column about Bagwell in which I described him as "the ideal, genuine ballplayer." I wouldn't write that sort of column any more, about any professional athlete. Even then, there was something in the back of my mind, warning me that perhaps Bagwell was getting a bit of help from an illicit source. This would not make him a bad guy … but it would throw his accomplishments into a somewhat different light, particularly in comparison with peers not getting the same sort of help (Fred McGriff, anyone?).


The question's been asked: Where does this investigation end? Once you pull that first thread from the sweater, where does the unraveling end?


The answer is that it doesn't. Yes, George Mitchell's investigation will end. But in a larger sense, the investigation will never end. It's been 140 years since Abraham Lincoln has written a letter or issued a proclamation. Nevertheless, historians continue to find new material about Lincoln, or devise new ways to look at old material. And so the new books about Lincoln continue to land on already groaning bookshelves.


And that's going to happen, albeit to a lesser degree, with baseball and steroids, too. There is no end point. Mitchell's investigation essentially will wind up being an MLB-sanctioned whitewash. But a few new facts will arrive on our shelves. Next year, some other reporter will write a book, with a few more facts. In a decade or so, some player will write a book and admit that he, too, benefited from the use of performance-enhancing drugs. We'll never know everything. But with each passing year we'll know a little more than we knew the year before. That's the way history -- or rather, the study of history -- works.


Yes, there will be hand-wringing. Yes, players will be elected to the Hall of Fame, and later we'll regret it. Well, I've got some news for you: There are already a couple of dozen Hall of Famers who we should regret. Mistakes have been made, mostly due to ignorance and cronyism, and mistakes will continue to be made. Those are just details. Interesting details, for sure. But details nonetheless. What's really important is the truth. When you've got it, give it to us. We can handle it.


Senior writer Rob Neyer writes for Insider two or three times per week. To offer criticism, praise or anything in between, send an e-mail to rob.neyer@dig.com.

Something that Kaiser Selig and his subservient lackey Bob DuPuy are very capable of is putting out onionskin thin public relations efforts. The following is an Associated Press 'article'. In reality, it's a press release MLB written my MLB, ABC and ESPN execs (and the White House?) sent directly to the Associated Press:

IN GEORGE MITCHELL, BASEBALL GETS GLOBAL TROUBLESHOOTER
By MICHAEL R. BLOOD, Associated Press Writer
March 30, 2006


LOS ANGELES (AP) -- In turning to former Senate leader George Mitchell to unravel its steroid scandal, Major League Baseball enlisted a global troubleshooter with an insider's knowledge of the game.


Plainspoken, even bland, with skills honed in courtrooms, boardrooms, Washington and on the international stage, Mitchell brings a rare range of experience and a reputation for something at risk in baseball -- fair play.


Colleagues in the Senate, where the Maine Democrat served as majority leader, called Mitchell "the judge," a reference to his days in the federal judiciary as well as his reserved, owlish manner.


President Clinton once offered the former U.S. attorney a spot on the Supreme Court. His stewardship of the Northern Ireland peace talks made him a celebrity on another continent. He was the architect of a Middle East peace plan that won international support in 2001, and he led an investigation into alleged bribes in Salt Lake City's bid for the 2002 Olympics. Mitchell also went corporate, helping to calm disarray at Disney.


Baseball's investigation will test those sterling credentials.


Mitchell, 72, is part of the baseball establishment -- a director with the Boston Red Sox who has dreamed of becoming the league's commissioner. Already there are questions about his partiality from critics who say the league needs to clean house, not redecorate.


"Of course he has some ties to baseball, but we know what they are. Everybody will be watching to make sure he plays things absolutely straight," said former league Commissioner Fay Vincent.


"There is enormous pressure on Mitchell and (Commissioner Bud) Selig," Vincent added. "There is an enormous downside for baseball if it doesn't go well."


Mitchell's task: Find out everything he can about the use of performance-enhancing drugs since the sport banned them in September 2002.


Mitchell's reputation is anchored to his days in the Senate, where he combined a scholarly demeanor with aggressive, savvy political skills. In 1986, as chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, he led the party to stunning gains and majority control during the Reagan administration.


Perhaps his highlight performance was during the Iran-Contra hearings in 1987, when he squared off with Lt. Col. Oliver North. "Recognize that it is possible for an American to disagree with you on aid to the Contras and still love God and still love this country just as much as you do," Mitchell told North in one famous exchange.


Mitchell can display a playful sense of humor. In a budget debate, a Republican senator used a postal scale to weigh a copy of a Democratic budget while criticizing its spending levels. Mitchell borrowed the scale and plunked it on his desk. After eyeing it from all angles, he announced the Republican budget didn't weigh anything -- because one didn't exist.


An Army veteran, Mitchell comes from working-class roots in Maine. His father was a janitor; his mother, a Lebanese immigrant, worked in mills. After serving as a federal prosecutor and U.S. District Court judge in Maine he was appointed to the Senate in 1980 when his former boss, Sen. Edmund Muskie, accepted a job as President Carter's Secretary of State. Mitchell capped a meteoric ascendancy through the Senate leadership by becoming majority leader in November 1988.


After leaving Capitol Hill in 1995, Mitchell became the special envoy who oversaw negotiations that produced the 1998 Good Friday accord in Northern Ireland.


He and his wife, Heather, a sports promoter, have two children and residences in Maine and New York.


"It would be hard for them to duplicate his combination of baseball knowledge and interests, and his experience with criminal investigations and prosecutions," said Harold Pachios, a Maine attorney who has known Mitchell for nearly half a century.


Mitchell has worked from the inside before.


Joining the board of The Walt Disney Co. soon after leaving the Senate, Mitchell was named presiding director in 2002 when the board was being criticized for being too cozy with then-chairman and CEO Michael Eisner.


Although Mitchell was close friends with Eisner, his appointment was seen as a step toward making the board more independent. In 2004, after a shareholder revolt, Eisner was stripped of his chairmanship and the board handed Mitchell the job.


Once the target of company dissidents who questioned his loyalties, Mitchell presided over Eisner's departure and the search for his successor -- Robert Iger. Mitchell had said he would retire this year, but agreed to stay an extra year while the board searches for a new chairman.


"The guy has investigated and prosecuted dozens and dozens of crimes," Pachios said. "I never met a bigger straight arrow."


Associated Press Writers Gary Gentile in Los Angeles and Donna Cassata in Washington contributed to this report

Remember back in 2004 when the State of the Union included these statements:

"To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character."

- 2004 State of the Union Address

Yes, there's epic irony, symbolism and other there to get going on, but let's keep this in frame. George Mitchell is part of the old boy establishment in politics AND baseball. Very few are capable of that. Conspiracy theorists can check and see if Mitchell is part of the Trilateral Commission, Illuminati or if he's a Freemason, Stonecutter or part of the Fraternal Order of No Homers.

QUERY: What would ABC have to gain from appointing George Mitchell?

A few billions dollars they have invested through ESPN for the broadcast rights of baseball.

QUERY: What would the Boston Red Sox have to gain from George Mitchell playing O'Dowd?

Inside information and notice of where and how to hide the bodies.

QUERY: What would MLB have to gain from appointing a man who was in line to become MLB Commissioner himself at one time?

An excuse to have MLB go NSA on itself with 'steroids' being the cover. Congress has bandied about pulling baseball's ant-trust exemption before. George Mitchell might just be the 'plumber' to go around and shore up baseball's backside for the next commissioner.

QUERY: Why Mitchell? He's rather old and so is Selig. Why have these aged and frail men so close to death in charge of a super secret 'investigation' that could really cause an embarrassment if either are ever called to testify in court?

Because Selig and Mitchell will be dead before they ever have to testify about Mitchell's 'investigation' (is it being called a Blue-Panel investigation, yet?). Dead men tell no tales.

Mitchell is going to be compensated in some way and you know that is more than likely going to be headed to a charity. I'm all for charitable donations, but when they are a mere tax dodge (ahem, Barry Bonds).

That's it. I'm done. It's the last I want to bring up the issue, but only to remind people that we now have to realign our expectations of players. Over the past 15-20 years the average Major League Baseball player is anything but average.

When we project player performances for 2007 and 2008, how much do we have to adjust for a player N O T being part of the 40, 50, 60 or 70% of players rumored to be using some form of unsanctioned performance enhancing substance?

That player we think might hit 25 homeruns might not even hit 20. Not because he failed to live up to expectations, but because didn't live up to the expectation of bending the rules of chemical engineering.

'Cause when the blood begins to flow
When it shoots up the dropper's neck
When I'm closing in on death
And you can't help me now, you guys

- The Velvet Underground